Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

Give a baker flours on your first date.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash