Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions