Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.