After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
😤😤
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.