Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

good work, detective

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.