After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.