After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.