Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

welcome back

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”

“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”