*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
The Others (2001)
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.