Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.