Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]

Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.

6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?

Me:

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.