Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
just left a huge legacy in there
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow