After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
aura
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.