After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter