Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I got soap in my shower beer again.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.