*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
classic mixup
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug