*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
You Might Also Like
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
😭😭😭
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked