Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Expect the unexporcupine.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.