[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
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Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.