[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie