[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.