Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.