Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I put the hot in psychotic.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

christening a ship with an overripe banana

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.