Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

I didn’t know they can drive…

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?