[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
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[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
This classic never gets old . . .
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk