Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.