Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.