[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
You Might Also Like
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees