Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”

My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Monday