Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Lol.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”