[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.