*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.