Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!

Date: What’s happening right n-

Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.