Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone