Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

There’s no “us” in nachos.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!