*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.


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I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.

So I keep the curtains closed.


I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.


THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.


Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”


“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”


Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now


What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?


Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life