I will not tolerate watching the neighbourhood kids bully my nephew.
So I keep the curtains closed.
No, you cannot sleep over.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
No, YOUR illiterate.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“This isn’t my first rodeo” -Guy at his second rodeo
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life