*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.