Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

Looking at you, Jesus.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend