(after sex)
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??