Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

car not found

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Covert ops