After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
I basically called this earlier today
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Good morning
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Saw this yesterday lol
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion