Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

Hamburger Hinderer.

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Well, that should do it