[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

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If fire shoots out of the chimney the Papal Conclave has selected a new drummer for Slayer.


ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.


Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*


*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?


Me: *screaming*

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*


me: i’m sad

rich people: then remove yourself from your toxic environment. quit your job now and fly to milan. shop for a week straight and buy a yacht it helps me heal. build a house in the tropics and drink fresh fruit juice the power is yours don’t be lazy and complain


I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.


[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong


[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast


Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.