My dog just looked me in the eyes and said “Nobody is gonna believe you”. Then went back to sleep.
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
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2020: The Year In Review
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
[Me as 911 Operator]
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.