Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Has there ever been a more American story?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.