Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

$4 #usedbooks

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…