[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
You Might Also Like
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Priorities
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I love texting my boyfriend
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
PLOT TWIST:
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”