After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is