After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?