After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
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Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else