Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

The French word for sex is croissant.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Fun Things

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.