Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA

Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*

Me: *slowly reaches for phone*

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

twitter users today:

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog