[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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It’s an epidemic…
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
