Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

(Every historical tour)

Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture

Me: Oh wow very cool

Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.

So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?

Good times.