Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific