Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.