Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird