After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
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[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.