After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Get off my horse you stupid moon