After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?