Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming