Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

sleeping beauty

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Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.