(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this πππππ
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[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
All Iβve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I donβt ask for much.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
the joker: lol iβm going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25β
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. Iβm going back to bed
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Itβs my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
βI canβt believe you string lights like that, Brad. Iβm out.β
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably