Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

not to brag, but mine was free

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

friend: should i have kids?

me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.