(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.