Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

Called it

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

Me too

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie