(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
💀😭
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids