Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

in 3 months

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea