Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.