Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lol.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

🤣🤣🤣

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.