Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

thanksgiving should be called feaster

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

Dear Aliens,

Now would be a good time.

Thanks!

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first