(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*