Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Urine for a real treat today.

-Toilets

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

They did not think through this water fountain

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.