Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

(more comics:

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up