Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

oh good, now I can stop drinking

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*