Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.