After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
Every time.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.