After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Just me and my debit card against the world
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Milk Cube
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.